The Side Job
by Bat Git
Summary: Tonks takes a rather star-studded side job. Its Tonks, so nothing goes as planned. Snape gets involved. AU-OoTP
1. One

Chapter 1

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the steadiest of ideas. I mean, financially it made sense. Being an Auror is not known for its massive paycheck. The truth of it is that as a young auror, I'm barely able to keep a flat and feed myself on anything other than noodle packs. Yes, I get the fact that "…with seniority comes greater responsibility and risk. Your salary will progress as you become more and more skilled as an auror, Nymphadora." but I risk my neck just as much as the next guy. Just because I sometimes stick my foot into a wastebasket (among other things) doesn't mean that I can't handle myself. Ask some of the other boys on staff. After a round of duels with me, they often think twice about penciling me into the corner of "office klutz/clown" with no other skills besides "covert surveillance". Granted, my biology has made me somewhat gifted in that arena, but I can hex and block with the best of them.

Getting back to the point, and I assure you that there is one, my skills of "covert surveillance" is what got me into this mess in the first place. Well, that and my obsession with Muggle movies and music. Yes, I love the Weird Sisters and most other wizard bands, but there is so much good stuff out there, you can't just limit yourself. Anyway, lets just say that I'm a tad obsessed. Ok perhaps a bit more than a tad. I love Hollywood and muggle "movie stars". Ever since Dad took me to see "Star Wars" as a kid, I love movies and the actors that create them. I'll watch anything, and I do mean anything. From the Best Picture nods to the stinkers, I've seen them all. Just for fun, I used to morph myself into slave girl Princess Leia, which made my father laugh and my mother grimace (she has gotten better. It's the Black side coming out in her, I suppose). Back to the actor/movie thing. It was after watching "Gone with the Wind" and flouncing down my flat steps, doing my best Scarlett O'Hara, that my landlord stopped me. He didn't know it was me, of course, but he put the idea into my head. "Miss," he said, "You could be the mirror image of Viviane Leigh. You could have made bundles as an impersonator".

That did it. The idea of an "impersonator" and making "bundles" wormed its way into my head. It poked at my while filing reports. I prodded at me while I questioned wizards of interest and it damn near danced a jig on my frontal lobe when I had to beg off of going to the pub for a night out because of my financial situation. This was ridiculous. I risked my young life for the better meant of wizard/muggle kind and I had not much to show for it. What did I do about this, you might ask? Well, I did what any twenty something of limited means did to make money. I went to the Internet (get your minds out of the gutter). Finding out the management of stars wasn't the problem. Sending muggle photos of myself morphed into whatever star I wanted wasn't the problem either. It was the fact that I got emails from the management saying that they could use me as a body double, but that I would have to get myself to Los Angeles or New York to start filming, ASAP. Now you know that I couldn't leave England. One, I have responsibilities as an aruor. Two, I have the Order to think of. I can't just gallivant off to America and stand in for Salma Hayek or Jennifer Garner in their latest blockbuster. Gradually, the emails stopped coming and my account was feeling the strain of photos, postage and the like. All and all, a very ungratifying and costly experience for me.

That's when I got the phone call. Actually, I got the message on my machine (yes I have a telephone, television and what not.). It was from a Mr. Laurence. Mr. Laurence went on and on about how his "employer" was trying to plan a pleasant vacation in Europe with her new husband. The paparazzi was not making this an easy task and upon seeing my photos, she wished to solicit my services to act as a decoy in the streets of London. I would be paid "very well" if I would accept the proposal. All I had to do was call this number and leave a message containing my pant/dress/shirt and shoe size. I would be contacted immediately. All this seemed a bit too James Bond-y for my tastes, plus the fact that no one who values their life would EVER ask a woman her pant AND shoe size in the same sentence, but I knew from following Hollywood that celebrities take their privacy very seriously. Aw heck, I thought, might as well get your money back from the initial investment. Plus, this could be fun. Fun cars, nice restaurants and swanky clothes? This could get interesting.

I had no idea how interesting it could get.


	2. Two

Chapter 2

Before I get into the meat of this tale of woe, let me just tell you something about Metamorphmagus's. There haven't been lots of us, and each one of us is different. I'm not one hundred percent sure of the biology and science behind the magic that allows me to do what I do, but like all magic, sometimes it backfires, right in your face. We all know that I can change my appearance at will, right? Well, sometimes it sticks. It's pretty embarrassing, but it happens. If I'm really stressed out, in loads of pain or drunk, the morph can stick. Sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes two weeks, it really just depends on well, me. I should master this problem, but it's like acne. It always pops up just when you think you don't have to deal with it anymore. I keep hoping I'll outgrow it, but I'm basically a grown woman. Anyway, it happens, so you have been warned.

Getting back to me making "bundles" "impersonating" celebrities. I called the number and left the pertinent info. After hanging up, I started to have some serious doubts about the validity of Mr. Lawrence's claims. What the heck was I doing? I didn't even know the celeb's name? As the minutes ticked on, I became more and more agitated, switching my face and hair at least three different times before charging over to the small table that the phone was perched on. "Charging" is probably the wrong adjective to describe my gait, but I do remember that I tripped on the throw rug (yet another purchase from my mother to give me "incentive" not to "trip" on it. I have tons of incentive scars to prove it.) and landed flat on my stomach, scraping my shins. Realizing that my "incentive" to "not trip" was not up to the par it should have been, I had to conjure up an extinguisher after firing off several enthusiastic incendio spells. Yes, I have a temper. Yes, I can replace the rug (I'll have to if mum comes to visit) and yes, after removing the smell of burnt rug from my living room, I was just about to reach for the phone when it rang, causing me to jump about a foot in the air. This jumping knocked the phone off the small table and sent the receiver rattling to the floor.

"Hello? Hello! Is anyone there?" the voice on the other line demanded. Composing myself and taking a deep breath, I answered the phone as confidently as I could.

"Hullo"

"Yes, Is this the party we contacted regarding our specific inquiry?"

"Yes. I…"

"May I have the security clearance code given to you on the message before we continue please?" said the voice in a hauty tone.

"Erm, sure. Hang on a bit, I scratched it down. Ah, here it is. 6-927-841…."

"Thank you, please hold."

At this point, the line went dead and my ears were bombarded with muggle wanna-be movie and sinning star, Ms. Jennifer Lopez.

"DON'T BE FOOLED BY DA ROCKS THAT I GOT"

dear lord, pick up the phone

"I'M STILL I'M STILL JENNIE FROM THE BLOCK"

seriously, pick up

"USED TO HAVE A LITTLE, BUT I HAVE A LOT

This is not worth financial solvency

"Hello? I'm sorry for the wait dear, Mr. Lawrence will speak with you now."

Finally

"Hiyah, kiddo. Listen, you are really helping us out of a bind here, but before you say anything, let me make one thing clear. We are trying to keep this as undercover as possible, so if you would like to use an alias, that is fine with us. We have your billing info and will transfer money to anywhere that you want. So, before I tell you who you will be representing, what is your name, honey."

Shit, I wasn't expecting this

"Um, well. How about Dora?"

Way to be creative, Tonks

" Great, and last name."

Think of something dramatic. Awe-inspiring. THINK GIRL!

"Uhhh, Konks?"

Nice, moron

"Oh, like the shell. Great. Now Dora, I know that you have our body type and facial features that we are looking for, so I'm going to go ahead and tell you whom you will be representing. She a fairly notable figure and I'm sure you can tell if you would be suited for this job simply by looking in your mirror. Any questions so far?"

"Well, ummm"

"I'll go ahead and get right to it. Mrs. Jennifer Anthony-Lopez desires you to impersonate her and be a decoy for the paparazzi while she and her husband vacation in Europe for two weeks…"

Oh shi...

"Now, I know you are probably speechless with joy and honor that you have been chosen to represent Mrs. Lopez-Anthony…

Barf, gag, retch, hurl, tosses cookies to the wind

"… But Mrs. Lopez-Anthony not only will pay you with that honor but also with ten thousand dollars."

Huh?

"I'm sorry, what did you just say"

"Well, 'I know you are probably speechless with joy and honor.'"

"I'm sorry again, but what was the dollar amount"

"Ten Thousand Dollars. Can we go ahead and count on you?"

Dammit Nymphie, you don't want to get yourself into this. Cameras will be following you everywhere! How will you be able to work for the order and fulfill your duties at the ministry? Just borrow some money from your parents to pay your bills. Swallow your pride and ask for help….

"I'll take it. Give me the details"

Way to go, Nymphie. Way. To. Go.


	3. Three

Chapter 3

" I'll take it…"

Way to go, Nymphie. Way. To. Go 

"Great! Is all the information we have for you correct?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Now, I don't need to tell you of the importance of this matter. Secrecy is of the highest importance. If this goes wrong, Mrs. Lopez-Anthony will be very displeased."

Sheesh, this tart sounds like Lord Moldie-Britches.. 

"Believe me, Mr. Lawrence" I said, trying to sound convincing " I will be the soul of discretion."

"Wonderful! I send you a packet containing the necessary equipment for you to get started…."

_What am I, building a house? "Necessary equipment"_

"Oh, My Goodness! Ms. Konks, I have Mrs. Lopez-Anthony on the other line? Say, would you like to speak with THE Mrs. Lopez-Anthony"

Oh for the Merlin's sake. This god-like status needs to be taken down about 10 octaves 

"Sure, I'd love to say 'hi' to Jenn."

"Please, refer to your employer by her married name, Ms. Konks" said Mr. Lawrence, in a snotty manner.

Suddenly the line clicked over.

"HEY CHICA! OH MY GOD, YOU ARE DOING ME **SUCH** A HUGE FAVOR. LUCKY YOU GET TO LOOK LIKE ME AND NOW YOU GET TO PLAY ME! ISN'T THAT EXCITING FOR YOU? no, Marc, put down that watch. No, mama has to buy herself a new poncho just like the one Martha Stewart…NO MARC! GET OUT OF THAT DRESSING ROOM! YOU'LL ENCOURAGE THE BOYS!…"

Oh my goodness. I wish I could tape this… 

"ANYWAYS, AHAHAHA! OH YOU KNOW MEN AROUND HOLLYWOOD! ALWAYS TRYING TO JUMP INTO THE DRESSING ROOM AND CHECK OUT THE OTHER GUYS! SO MUCH COMPETITION!"

Even from across the Atlantic, my gay-dar is beeping… 

"GETTING TO THE POINT, SWEETIE. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN! YOU'LL GET TO WEAR MY CLOTHES, DRIVE CARS THAT I WOULD DRIVE. IT'S GOING TO BE **SO KEWL! **giggles"

_I'm going to be sick again. _

"SO I'M GOING TO HAND YOU BACK TO MY MAN LARRY! HE'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL THE DETAILS. KISS, KISS SWEETIE AND DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT I WOULDN'T DO…."

Mounting a donkey in public? 

"BUH-BYEEEEE!"

Thankfully, the line clicked over and Mr. Lawrence stated, "We'll be in touch I have to go goodbye" and hung up the phone before I could even ask a question.

I suppose we'll just have to wait for the magical mystery package and see what happens. Meantime, I had to get down the 12 Grimmald Place for a meeting and some of Molly's food. I swear, sometimes I think I'm in the Order just so I can scarf some free nosh.

Perhaps with this new job, I'll be able to go out for a change.

I had no idea how much I would be going out.


	4. Four

Chapter 4

"So, Tonks" Molly inquired as she ladled chicken pot pie, various sides and homemade yeast rolls with honey butter (you drooling yet? Well you should be.) onto a plate and passed it down the table " how are things going with you?"

"Mmmph-mph-hphmhpm-mmm"

_It never fails! Whenever your mouth is full, either Molly or the wait staff asks you questions._

" Sorry, dear. Didn't catch that"

"Everything is up to par, Molly. Nothing really new or interesting. Mainly questioning Death Eaters we already have in custody and filling out paper work for various outlays. I haven't gotten to hex anyone in almost a month!"

_Merlin, that sounded bloodthirsty, didn't it?_

"Not that hexing people is something I look forward to. I mean, I uh, I only do it in the most dire situations and…."

"That's all the BLACK coming out in you, I suppose"

_O HELL NO! Who would dare bring that up…._

I whipped my head around to see HIM standing in the doorway. Our local malcontent. Our bitter buttery-haired boy in black. Our piqued punk of putrid potions. Ok, Ok, I'll stop.

It was Snape.

Snape, who's mood had not gotten any brighter in the past months. He seemed to be caving in on himself, lurking in the dark recesses and concentrating on something that must have been very tedious and very dangerous, because if any of us disturbed him out of his slimy revelry, he would explode all over us. By explode I mean that the offender of would be covered in insults as well as a goodly amount of Snape spit.

I had heard it from 'Mione, Harry and Ron that his mood had gotten much worse in the classroom as well. He would introduce the assignment and then sulk behind his desk. If anyone, including the Slytherin crowd tried to ask a question, he would simply deduct points and go back to sulking. No grandiose billowing robes or sneers that could stop a clock. He was just, well, distracted.

Perhaps I can shake him back to reality a bit 

"At least my inner BLACK stays hidden. You seem to wear yours on your sleeve."

Launch in 3, 2, 1… 

"DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE ME TO THAT FLEA BITTEN WRETCH!" Snape shouted, as he banged on the table, causing plates to jump and my cup of pumpkin juice to crash unceremoniously into my lap.

_Great._

"All this yelling and screeching for a bad pun? Severus, you really should be introduced to humor more often." Remus quipped. Most of the table snickered. Severus was still fuming and I had gone under the table to retrieve the cup.

"Very bad indeed" Severus mumbled " I need to discuss something with…with….NYMPHADORA"

The shock of hearing my hated surname, plus the volume caused me to jump while searching for my cup under the large table in the kitchen, knocking my head very hard against the ancient wood and causing the basket of rolls to go flying.

"Tonks!" Yelled Ron " come out of there before we all end up wearing our supper!"

I crawled out from under the table, pants stained in Pumpkin Juice and a nasty red welt on the side of my head.

"Please Ron, don't shout! I have the beginning of a horrible headache and I don't want it made worse."

"Believe me, Nymphadora" Snape said as he casts a _Scourgify _spell for my clothes " what I have to tell you will be causing us both headaches for a while to come." Then he turned and walked out of the kitchen.

Grabbing my plate, I hurried to catch up to the gliding potions master, but not without hearing Harry ask Ron "Did Snape just make a joke?"


	5. Five

Chapter 5

I know what you're thinking. This is the chapter that is supposed to start out with me saying something like

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ALBUS!"

Or

"I CAN'T WORK WITH THAT GIT"

But no, not this time. You see I had mentioned previous that I had a yummy plate of Weasley food that was NOT going to get cold. I sat in the study and munched happily while Snape paced and waited for our whiskery, bespeceled leader.

"Must you smack your jowls so loudly, Ms. Tonks? I swear, I would think I was in a cow barn the way you carry on…"

_He opened that door…_

"I think the cow barn likeness is probably brought on by the stench of your over coat. Why don't you take that thing off, Snape? It's quite warm in here. You must be sweating your arse…"

_I just walked right through it._

"This overcoat IS the proper attire for a man befitting my position. You, however, looked like you stepped out of a fight with a patchwork quiltand the quilt won decisively."

I had to laugh at that.

"Yeah, 'tis what it 'tis. I happen to like my patches."

" And I happen to like my overcoat."

With that, Snape whipped off his cape like coat and hung it over one of the rickety old chairs that seemed to be in every nook of this old place. I swear rickety old chairs at Grimmald Place must be like single socks in my drawers. Wherever you see one, there are twenty out there just waiting to show themselves.

At the time, I was more concerned with the fact that Snape had taken my suggestion. I was about to make a comment when I noticed that he had stopped pacing and had sat down. Then, I saw something I think I had never seen before. He placed his elbows on his knees and held his head with his hands, causing the sleeves of his worn out shirt to pull upwards, exposing much of his forearms. Most would be interested in seeing the elusive "dark mark" that he tried to keep hidden. I was interested in the forearms themselves. I was expecting toothpicks, not the competent limbs that cradled an obviously troubled head.

"Blimey, Severus. What's got you all tied up in knots?"

Then a suprizing thing happened. He pulled his hands through his hair and looked up at me with an expression that I could at the time figure out. Half embarrassment and half sadness. It was an odd look and one that I was about to ask about when Dumbeldore stepped through the door. Snape and I both bolted up out of respect for him, which was kind of silly since he was like a father/grandfather to most of us.

"Ah, there you are. Sometimes, even I still get lost in this place. Severus. Tonks, so good to see you."

We both mumbled our thanks, although I would like to think that I did it a good deal more congenially than Snape.

" Please, sit down. There is no need to stand on my account, Severus I have told you this many times."

We both sat, myself with a smirk and Severus with an eyeroll.

" Now, you must be wondering why I have kept you waiting. I have received news from the W.B.I in America. (Wizarding Bureau of Investigations, for those of you not in the know. Apparently the WBI and Muggle authorities work very closely together. In fact, Muggles and Wizards are much more incorporated than in the UK and Europe. Sometimes, I wish that would happen here, but in the birthplace of Wizards, the old snobbiness still reign. Enough of an aside, back to the story) has received a tip from the F.B.I about threats against celebrities by muggle crazies as well as wizards. Apparently, attempts were made on several B-movie actors and actresses, although none of these caused any real physical harm…."

"Who were they, Albus?" I interjected.

"Hemph, uh, well Tonks, I believe that the names were Paul Lee Shore and Dick Greico"

I lost it

"AHAHA! Oh my, of course they weren't harmed. They had to have been practice runs. Pauley Shore and Richard Greico haven't done anything worthwhile in years!"

"That may be the case, Tonks, but their minds had quite a shock. They are currently in a facility undergoing rehabilitation."

I jumped in again. I know its mean to talk bad about those in therapy, but it was too easy.

"There probably wasn't much of a mind to rehabilitate, but I wouldn't worry. Hollywood is full of "rehabilitation centers". Heck you can't even throw a rock without hitting one."

At that comment, Snape smirked. SMIRKED! AT A COMMENT THAT I MADE! SNAPE FOUND IT FUNNY! I was about to continue my comedy rant, when Albus got the conversation back on track.

"Nymphadora, if you don't mind, I would like to tell you why we need you."

Ok, Ok, I'll stop.

"Getting back to the point, many celebrities are aware of the threats against them and have been receiving threats. Many of these threats are arriving in the guise of invitations. As you know Tonks and as you may not know, Severus, celebrities receive these for awards shows and various functions around Los Angeles. Their staff have been opening these letters and symbols have been blasted onto the walls, much like a signal in light (I took this to mean like the Bat Signal). The shape has been of a skull with a snake exiting the mouth."

Both Snape and I jerked our heads up at the mention of the Dark Mark. I noticed Snape's hand shooting to his forearm before remembering and placing his hands in his lap.

"Naturally, celebrities are aware of the troubles that we are having 'across the pound'. They want protection and action. They are also willing to pay handsomely for it. Naturally I turned down the money, but they insisted on paying the agents. That is why I selected you two."

"Albus, just tell us what in Hades we are going to be doing. I have papers to grade…"

"Yes, Severus, I was just getting to that. I know that you don't make very much as a teacher, and unlike the rest of the Hogwarts staff, you have no home outside of the school. I'm giving you this position so you can start on your 'retirement plan'?" Albus said with a smile.

Snape's jaw was to the floor. I, on the other hand, was interested. I could kill two birds with one stone. Work for the order while working for the stars and getting paid TWICE for it. Tonksie-baby you are going to be rolling in it!

"I'm in Albus, what do we have to do"

Both Snape and Albus stared at me as I was practically jumping out of my seat.

"I knew that you would be excited about this, Tonks, but it's not all fun and games. Another reason that I chose the both of you was for, ah, some similarities that you have to certain 'movie stars'….."

Yet again, Snape lost it.

"Hang on just one bloody minute, Albus! I know I'm not the most attractive man on the planet, but for god's sake! Do you expect me to believe that there is a movie star in America that looks like me? I can understand your need for Ms. Tonks, but whatever can I do? I'm not glamorous, attractive, suave, people-savvy, media-savvy. The list goes on for miles! "

Actually, I had guessed who the actor was and Albus just smiled at the haggard potions master.

"Severus, Severus you sell yourself short. There is actually an actor in America that resembles you. I believe that Tonks already has a guess, but I was wondering if you had a clue. Do you, Severus?"

"NO, DAMMIT! NOW TELL ME WHO IT IS"

I began to giggle as Dumbledore calmly stated, with that patented twinkle in his eye.

"His name is Adrien Brody"


	6. Six

Chapter 6

"Oh dear, Tonks. I do believe he has gone into shock."

I was trying so hard not to laugh in Snape's face that I could only nod. I really did kind of feel bad for him. It's not easy for someone who has lived their entire in the shadows being told that "Guess What! Your konk gets to be smacked on every scandal sheet around if you step outside your door. We are also going to throw in careful and full analysis of your wardrobe, facial/hair/body condition and whoever you happen to be in the company of. Enjoy! Be entertaining for us, won't you?"

Needless to say, it's a lot for someone to take in. Getting back to Snape, his eyes had glazed over and his jaw seemed to be working on its own. Only small whimpers came out for at least a minute. I felt the need to snap him out of his pit of despair.

"Oi, Sevy! Don't look so down! You get cleaned up and we'll make a star out of you yet…."

That did it.

"LISTEN, YOU IDIOTIC CHILD! I AM A POTIONS MASTER, NOT AN ACTOR…"

"On the contrary, Severus, you act all the time. You act as a Death Eater. You act as a spy for Voldemort in Hogwarts and you act like you are a "greasy git" the majority of the time. I think that this exercise would be good for you. Get you out amongst the living. Remind you that not all people are like the Death Eaters. Well, I must be getting back to Hogwarts. Severus, if you would accompany me, I'll fill you in on all the particulars…"

Snape, having been cut off by Dumbledore, slumped his shoulders and sighed. When Albus makes up his mind, there is no getting out of it. He shot me a particularly pointed look before following the Headmaster out the door, making sure to slam it just enough to cause our prissy portrait to start screaming. I sighed; this would either kill him or make him stronger, as the old saying goes.

However, I had more important fish to fry. I had to get home and work on paperwork (joy), plus I had to jump onto the computer and get familiar with J-Anth-Lo's wardrobe. Stopping by the kitchen to bid my farewells, I apparated as soon as the front door closed behind me.

A week passed. Nothing happened, and I do mean nothing. Oh sure, the Ministry had some nice scores for us good guys. Kingsley and some others stumbled across an illegal breeding program for Manticores. Wrangling creatures made by dark wizards can be interesting, but Kings and his team had it all wrapped up in a jiffy. Even though I didn't get to participate in the fun stuff, I sure got a chunk of the paper work. Kings had a good laugh at that grumble, grumble.

In Saturday's post (yes, I get Muggle as well as Owl post. I'm kind of a closet E-Bay addict. Don't tell anyone) I received a package from Mr. Lawrence. A large box filled with all the trappings that I would need for my first assignment. The itinerary went as follows. I was to make appearances at Harrods and use the enclosed cash allotment to buy some clothes. There were some stylish and very revealing "sweats" with some nice trainers that I was to wear into the store. Then I was to pick up a car and my "security". Then to lunch and back to the Hotel. After that, I was done for the day. In the care package was a cell phone and a card of a local stylist that was to "help" me "get into character".

"Get into Character". It was at this point that I realized that I had never tried to morph into my charge before. I needed help, and of the female variety, but I couldn't let them in on my plan. I really needed to study Ms. Jenny-from-the-Block and fast. I only had three days until I was required. I grabbed some of the pocket money and headed out to do research. Research in this case meant buying lots of trashy scandal sheets and surfing the web. While I was out, I would owl Ginny and Hermione. Both were very familiar with muggle culture, so they could be my "feminine perspective".

"Tonks, make the waist a little snugger and the skin tone just a bit lighter…" Hermione stated. " I know that you want to look the part for this party that you are going to, but why involve Ginny and I? Its not like many people will know who Jennifer Lopez is."

_Blimey, this girl is thinking WAY to hard about this. _

Ginny and Hermione had agreed to meet me at Grimmald Place to go over a "costume" for a party. The first hour had me morphing into body shapes that made Hermione gag and Ginny giggle like crazy.

" Honestly, Tonks! Her bum is an ASSET not a DEFORMITY!" Hermione stated.

"You look like the elephant man of ASS!" Ginny cackled.

Hermione shot Ginny a look but then started giggling along with the rest of us. Heh, Ginny was turning into quite the snarky one for her young age. Probably why random blonde Slytherins that I happen to be related to were taking such an interest and why some scar-headed Gryffindors were getting jealous.

After another hour, we agreed that it was as close to J-Lo as we could get. I figured that we should test this out.

"Who is in the house now?" I asked.

"Well, there is an order meeting tonight. Remus, Molly, Arthur and the regular crowd should be here…"

"But who is here now?"

"I'll go down to the kitchen and check." Hermione volunteered, "You two stay up here."

Upon returning, Hermione had an evil twinkle in her eye.

"Heh, this should be good. Remus, Moody, Fred and George are in the kitchen. The prefect test subjects."

"Great, how should I make my entrance."

"Well" Ginny stated " We'll go down first and then you come down a minute later. This should be hilarious."

Ginny and Hermione left and I continued to examine myself in the mirror. Pretty darn spot on, if you ask me. I just hope that no one asks me to DANCE like J-Lo. Well, time to try it out.

I sauntered into the kitchen, making eye contact with no one. Walking to the cooler, I grabbed a butter-beer and positioned myself near the table. The boys were engaged in a game of exploding snap, but I had to do something to get them to notice me.

Hmmmm, lets put this bum into action.

I "accidentally" dropped the cap of the butter beer.

"Sweet Merlin…"

I stood up and turned around. The fellows were sitting at the table wide eyed with their mouths agape. I wasn't expecting a newcomer, who had entered the kitchen. He was more slack jawed and wide eyed than the rest. Never mind the fact that he was stuttering.

_Mission Accomplished_

" Oi, you lot! Put your peepers back in your skulls! This isn't an anatomy lesson…"

Fred and George struck first.

"Oh if it were. Oh if it were.."

Then Remus

"My god, Tonks. If you want to get noticed by the heterosexual male community, that is sure one way to do it."

Moody just grunted when he found out it was me, and turned back to the board.

But Snape just stood there with his mouth moving but no sounds coming out.

"Blink Severus." Remus quipped.

"Yeah, don't stare at it TO long, Snape. Perfect bums have been known to cause blindness in males." Fred and George are such pervs. No wonder Ginny's on her way to joining them.

That did it.

"Immature, Tonks." Snape said, as he glided over to me. Then he said so only I could hear.

"Immature, but quite the striking resemblance. You should show this to Dumbledore for our little 'mission'.

This made me ponder

"Severus, I didn't think you would know who she was.."

He smiled

"Like Remus said, I am a heterosexual male." Then he left the room.

By the time it was over, I was the one standing there with my eyes wide and mouth agape.


	7. Seven

Chapter 7

I walked back upstairs in a state of shock, confusion, anger and peckishness ( I should have grabbed something besides the butterbeer.) Ginny and Hermione started in on me as soon as I had the door closed

"What the heck do you think THAT was all about.."

"You better watch yourself, Tonks. It sounds like Snape might be gunning for you…"

"Snape CAN'T be gunning for Tonks, Herms. He's asexual. If you cut off his finger, in a week there would be another Snape.."

"Oh Gin, that's ridiculous…"

"What do you think, Tonks?"

I had been staring off into space, letting a perfectly good butter beer get warm.

"Um, well…OH HELLS BELLS! That man is just trying to throw me off! Don't you see, he probably picks on everyone like that…."

"No, not really. That's why we want to know if there is anything going on…"

_Oh Hell No_

"What in the name of Morgana Le Fey do you mean. Ms. Ginny? You think that we have been carrying on a secret relationship? You think we've been snogging upstairs while Albus and everyone else risks their lives for muggles and wizards everywhere? You think that Fluer and I sit around and read Cosmo to find out special tips to drive our men wild while YOUR Best Friend and YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY work their arses off? Unlike certain French-Paris-Hilton-Wanna-Be's, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP. NOT THAT I WOULDN'T WANT ONE, BUT I'M TO BUSY SAVING THE FREAKING PLANET."

After that little diatribe, Ginny just stared at me open-mouthed while Hermione cracked up laughing.

"Tonks, what is Cosmo and who is Paris Hilton…"

Throwing in muggle refrences tends to amuse half-bloods and annoy everyone else. I thought that Hermione was going to have a stroke, she laughed so hard.

A few days later, I received a text message on the cell phone. Apparently J-Lo and her beau were arriving via private jet the later that night. She would make a big show of checking into 41 ( a VERY POSH hotel in Westminster ) and then under cover of very late night she would leave for destinations unknown. However, it would be leaked to the press that she would be in London for two nights and days. I was to already be in the hotel and would follow the itinerary as scheduled. Harrods lunch then back to the hotel. After arriving back at the hotel, I could either take advantage of the hotel's services or I could leave and make my scheduled appearances the next day from my domicile. Then I was to take the rental car that would be provided for me and arrive at the airport. That was it. I was thinking of this as a dry run for the Order, at least that is how I was justifying it in my mind. I felt horribly guilty about this whole thing, and I really didn't know why. Maybe it was the whole getting paid twice thing. O well, it couldn't be helped. If I told J-Lo's management that I was doing them a freebie, they probably wouldn't take me very seriously. Plus the fact that this was putting tons of pressure on me. I couldn't trip, fall, stumble or any of the normal things that usually accompany me as I walk through life. I had to become a different person in front of cameras and reports that would shout it from the rooftops around the globe if I should stumble.

So yeah, it was a lot of pressure. As I got a shower, and put myself into some clothes, I got more and more nervous. There was a special code that I was to tell the security at the door to let me in and escort me to the room. Clothes and a make-up artist would be there to J-Loify me for the press. Then Jennifer and Anthony would leave and I would be on for the next couple of days.

_Just keep telling yourself, It's a Job, It's a job…._

_Oh shit…._

After taking the tube to the Westminster area, I started walking towards the hotel. The street was lined with men with lenses that looked like they could photograph a gnat on Venus. Local news had staked out a spot on the corner and various entertainment flunkies sat in wait for their golden girl. Thank goodness there was no one from the wizard press there. Or was there…

Almost hidden behind camera tripods, I spied the twinkle of jeweled spectacles. Tight blonde curls bobbed up and down as she conversed with some of the cameramen.

Crap.

What the hell was Rita Skeeter doing here? Had she gotten wind of the celebrity threats? I was going to have to remember this. I'm sure that Albus would have a theory.

I was wearing sunglasses and a large baseball hat and a large non-descript sweatshirt with jeans. Some cameras-wielders gave me a look, but decided that I was not of interest. Skeeter, however, seemed to stare at me for an unusually long time. I walked up to the doorman and whispered the password.

"English muffins with lemon curd."

The large, muscled doorman showed me to the front desk where I was met by a mousey older woman that directed me to the service elevator.

" Dear, just make yourself at home in the room. There's Champaign, sandwiches and fruit available for you to munch on while you wait for your cousin. I hope you enjoy your stay here at 41 and if there is anything that we can do for you during your stay, please let us know. Mrs. Anthony-Lopez (can't she come to a conclusion on what her name is?) told us that you were to have all our features at your disposal."

Cousin? O well, if it threw off the hotel staff to the rouse, then I was OK with it.

I didn't have long to wait. From the window, I watched as a cute Mini-Cooper pulled up and two people in long coats, hats and sunglasses. Cameras flashed and people rushed forward. Pulling out some of the twin's extendable ears, I noticed that Rita was screaming questions at the dapper couple…

"MEESSS LOPEZ, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE THREATS AGAINST YOU AND OTHER MUGGLE CELEBRITES?"

_O brother, J-Lo probably doesn't realize that she's in danger! I don't really feel like putting up with a freaked out drama queen celebrity…_

"MEESSS LOPEZ, WILL THIS PUT A DAMPER ON YOUR TRIPS? DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION ON THE RE-EMERGANCE OF HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED?"

Is that woman out of her jug? Asking Jennifer Lopez about Voldie-Oldie is like asking Anna Nicole Smith about sobriety. It's a subject that they know nothing about and that can only scare them

I fired off a quick silencing spell. Rita's lips kept moving, but thankfully her obnoxious voice had been stopped.

Meanwhile, Lopez and Anthony headed inside the hotel. I could already tell that it was going to be a long couple of days…


	8. Eight

Chapter 8

Like is said, the room was nice, but not overly nice. The precious couple arrived with no hitches and I was just scooping out the bathroom when I heard a knock at the door.

It was Mr. Lawrence with my instructions.

"I know that you will be relieved to hear that everything is going according to plan. The Anthony-Lopez's have "checked in" and are leaving the complex via the underground garage. Mrs. Lopez has instructed that you are to stay in the hotel for one hour before taking the designated car from the garage and exiting the building. Then you are on your own for the rest of the day, just be sure to be back in the hotel by midnight tonight. We have ideas of where the cameras and press will be looking, so be on your guard. In dealing with the press, just smile and nod. Don't answer any questions, but don't be standoff-ish. It's important that you understand, the press, especially in England, can be very invasive and rude. Do NOT do anything that would paint Mrs. Lopez in a bad light. No matter what the press does or says, please don't fight back. It's an awful situation, but it is what it is."

I felt I had to jump in

"So are these wanks allowed to scream anything at me? They can't touch me, can they?"

"No, they can't touch you, but yes they can say what they will. They can also get their cameras inches from your face. Do not swat them away. Try to outrun them. This evening if you go out, don't draw attention to yourself. I must also ask that you not bring any companions up to the room with you. We don't want to create rumors of problems with this relationship…."

Just then the phone rang. Mr. Lawrence stepped to the other side of the room to take the call. I was checking out the sheets (they didn't look all THAT splendid for the price) when Mr. Lawrence returned.

"Um, Ms. Konks? Remember when I said that thing about the companion. Scratch that. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Lopez. Due to personal reasons, she wants you to find yourself an attractive man and pal around with him at a club tonight. I will get back with you on the time you are to arrive and what you should wear. On the subject of clothes, Mrs. Lopez has a list of things that you are to pick up at Harrods. Before they close tonight, I would suggest you pick yourself out something to club in."

Great. Dancing. Just what I needed. A showcase of my clumsiness before all wizard and muggle kind to see. I can imagine the headlines.

"HER LOVE DON'T COST A THING, NEITHER DO HER DANCE STEPS"

"J-LO'S 'ROCKS' SEEM TO BE IN HER FEET"

"NO WONDER PUFFY DUMPED HER.."

No thank you.

"Mr. Lawrence, is it absolutely necessary that I go to a club tonight. I don't really have anyone that I can take.."

"Well, that has been arranged as well. You've heard of Adrian Brody, correct?"

O shi…

"He is in London and we believe that it would be beneficial for both parties for you to be seen getting, how shall I say this, amorous with each other? I'm not saying sex, but it couldn't hurt…"

WHAT!

"If he was seen leaving this hotel at an unusually early hour in the morning, I can only think of good things that could come of it. An attractive girl like you should have no problem winning over Mr. Brody."

NO!

"What you do with him on your own time is your business, however, rumor has it that Mr. Brody has quite the prowess. You know what they say about guys with big noses…"

I was done with this conversation.

"Thank you Mr. Lawrence. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'll just take what I need from you and you can be on your way…"

He handed me a duffle bag and quickly left, making a phone call to which I can only assume was Mr. Brody's publicist. I heard "Oh, this should get us those roles that we need for sure" before I slammed the door shut. This was outrageous! I have to give the impression of becoming involved with Mr. Brody, who I can only assume is Snape cleaned up, for the benefit of the press? I am not a show pony! I'm an Auror and a member of an elite fighting unit that has the charge of keeping the world safe! I have far too much to do today that be bothered with this nonsense. If I get the answers to the questions that I have in time, then I'll run to Harrods and buy clothes. If not, o well, I have other things to do…

I pulled out the car keys.

That's right, I have other things to do. Like cruise around town in a mini with the speakers full blast singing at the top of my lungs. In fact, I can cruise on over to the Ministry and find out what they know about Skeeter. Then I can cruise over to Grimmald place and meet with Albus about tonights little party. I hope that they have several healers on hand when Albus tells Snape the news. He'll probably faint. Either that or try to claw his way out of the house with his bare hands.

Yes, I would pay money to see that.

First things first, to the Mini and to the Ministry.

I parked several blocks over. Its not the best neighborhood, plus I didn't want to advertise the fact that I had a car and was working on the side for extra money. I apporated to the back door and slipped in basically unseen. I had morphed back into "work Tonks" and had managed to avoid the press by taking some side streets and hiding behind a well-placed lorry. I had gotten lucky with that, plus the fact that I changed the color of the Mini, from green to purple. I was loving this car. I was loving this stereo.

So far things were looking good.

I slid into the office that I shared with four other Aurors. Kings, Plant, Smithwick and Jessvinder were good mates to have on the force. They would always back me up, plus the fact that Jessvinder did double duty in the Office of Mysteries. She always had the latest info. I was hoping that she had something on Skeeter.

"Hey Jess, I need to ask a favor"

Jess looked up from her paper work

"Sure, what's up?"

"What is Skeeter doing with herself these days? I haven't seen her writing much for the Quibbler"

Jess gave me a strange look.

"Its funny you should mention Skeeter. I just heard from and "unknown source" that Skeeter is doing freelance work on the side for an American wizard magazine. I don't know the name, but it is basically fish wrap. Talks about wizard and muggle celebrities and how the intermingle. Of course, the Quibbler is not happy about it, but she has taken some time off, as they say, from credible journalism. I think that she is in England scoping out celebrities as they travel around Europe. Why would you ask that, Tonks? Have you seen her around? Is she causing trouble again?"

Jess peered at me. I don't know if she was trying the Legimens training that we had been given as Aurors on me, but I wasn't going to take a chance. She was one of the best Legimmens that we had on staff, and could probe your brain faster and slicker than anyone on the team.

"Uh, no Jess. Just that a friend mentioned her. Just wanted to give her the heads up. See you round, yea?"

Jess kept looking at me strangely

"Sure, Tonks. Let me ask you something? Have you been working out?"

Uhhh

"No more than usual, why?"

"You just seem more…toned. O well, its probably my imagination…"

With that she turned back to her work.

Crap, I had forgotten to change my bottom back to normal.

Need to do that on the way to Grimmald Place.


	9. Nine

Chapter 9

"No…..No……NO! You daft old codger I am NOT wearing that nonsensical pile of rags…."

"Oh Severus, with your tendencies towards the dramatic, I thought that you would enjoy this. You get to act…as an actor! A double helping of….

"What? Pure unadulterated shit? Listen, Albus, lets have it out right here. I know I owe you this giant debt and all, but this was not part of the arrangement. Granted, I may have worked for the dark lord, but at least we had outfits that didn't make us look like gothic cabana boys! I have paid my debt to you, ten times over and I continue to do so. Cripes, I continue to do so in some semblance of enjoyment! Teaching the simian offspring of the wizarding world, spying for the order AND playing death eater toadie while at the same time managing to NOT let the dark lord know what is going on and YOU THINK THAT I WOULD ENJOY 'PLAYING' AN ACTOR? FOR GODS SAKE, ALBUS! THAT WHELP OF A MAN DOES DIET COKE COMMERCIALS!"

"Severus…."

"And whats more, I am NOT going to cut my hair like that. Have you seen what he does with it? He spikes it up with some sort of primordial goop and I swear I think he has charmed his hair to give it highlights. Do you expect ME to get HIGHLIGHTS?

"Severus, please…."

"From the research tapes that we have been watching for the past ten minutes, I would have to take my personality, sprinkle it with sugar, Spanish fly and about a gallon of…. (at this point in the conversation Severus's gag reflex kicked in and he about lost his lunch)..Gildery Lockhardt!"

"Well, Gildery was a great showman…"

"No Albus, no! I swear if you mention his name and mine in the same sentence its possible that my poor, old, black heart couldn't take it. You tell me that Mr. Brody is quite the 'ladies man' ? What did that video say '…the ladies are very interested in the big-nosed Boggart?' What in the wide world of Quidditch does that mean? Why would women be interested in that? I'll bet that the only reason that he attacked that poor young actress was that he hadn't had any release with a female present in months!"

This is about where I come in. I had cruised over to Harrods and picked up the packages that had been pre-ordered and purchased for me. I hadn't had the opportunity to check them out yet, as I had some business at Grimmald Place. I had entered through the front door expecting to find the place bustling as it usually does, but everyone seemed to be running late for one reason or another. I walked down the main hallway where I found Fred and George Weasley and Remus Lupin crouched by one of the many doors that lined the walls. Both brothers were turning bright shades of pink from stifling laughter while Remus had stuffed most of the arm of his sweater into his mouth and was trying not to role around on the floor. I thought that some had put a seizure hex on them at first but then I realized that whatever they were listening to in the room had to have been very funny. Fred happened to see me and motioned me over, putting a finger to his purple lips to insist on silence, even though this trio was making tons of noise.

It was here that I joined in on the spying

"Albus it just won't work. You really expect me to learn to dance simply by watching these muggle videos? I have to learn how to walk, talk, stand, smile, dance, eat, and be charming and that will be accomplished all by watching videos? Albus, I simply cannot do this in the amount of time that you have stipulated. It's impossible. I would need 3 months to even break the ice on all this and you give me three hours? It just won't work. I don't have the stamina or the patience…"

"Severus, if I may break in from you downtrodden diatribe for one moment. You won't be doing this alone. Ms. Tonks is going to be watching these research materials right along with you. If I do say so myself, you should really take advantage of all her knowledge and ask her questions. She is a young wizard with her finger on the pulse of what is 'hip' in the wizard and muggle worlds. She will be an invaluable resource. Never mind that I truly think that you will like the changes to your physical appearance, which are going to be very slight. Those long locks are quite unprofessional for a professor at a first class wizarding school to be wearing. A short, styled crop is just what you need, Severus…"

"I DID NOT JOIN THIS FIGHT AGAINST EVIL SO I COULD BE TOLD THAT I NEED A HAIRCUT! I AM A LEGIMENS! I AM A POTIONS MASTER! I AM A WIZARD SKILLED IN STEALTH, CUNNING, AGILITY! THE LIST GOES ON AND ON! HOW CAN YOU CHARGE ME THAT MY HAIR IS UNPROFESSIONAL TO THE STUDENTS? HAVE YOU SEEN GRANGER OR POTTER'S HAIR? THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SLEEP ON GARDEN RAKES.."

"Severus the point is that I am asking you to do something for the Order. I am not going to continue this discussion, even though it is quite amusing to me. I have to collection notes from the other Order members. I believe that Ms. Tonks has arrived. If Remus and the Mr.'s Weasley would remove themselves from the door, you can get started with your research. Ms. Tonks, could you please give me the bags that you picked up from Harrods today? I would like to look over them and add one our two improvements to them. I just collect my things and be on my way."

Albus moved to a circular table in the corner of the room and picked up a pile of clothes that looked dangerously like a pair of dark jeans and a ruby red dress shirt…

"Severus, I'll let you keep the glasses and the boots. You need to get used to walking, talking and dancing in those. Tonks, you as well. Keep the heels, hat and glasses. I want you too watch the videos and do what they tell you. However, don't follow them to the letter. Use them as a guide but you should also you your talents of improvisation. It's very important that I not be able to tell the difference between you and the actors that you will be impersonating. I will return later. Now, get to watching and practicing. Severus, it wouldn't hurt you to take some notes. I know this will only be a refresher course for Tonks, but this is your first experience with this. Severus, don't roll your eyes at me, just do the job that has been given to you. Have fun you two (and then he winked, which made me think that he had more up his sleeve than he was telling) and I'll be back in about an hour and a half. Mr. Weasley's. Remus. Please accompany me to the kitchen. I feel the need for some of your mothers wonderful tea and shortbread."

Then he shut the door.

I looked around the room and saw a small television with a VCR and DVD player attached to them. I walked over to the set and was about to turn it on when Snape let out a groan like a zombie.

"Ms. Tonks, I don't think I have the strength to watch that without my IQ dropping several points. You, being clearly out of danger, should watch them and take notes for me. I have more important things to do.."

He turned on his heals and was about to touch the door handle when giant chains and a huge bolt appeared in front of his outstretched hand. I quickly went into Auror mode as he turned to face me with a burning rage spilling onto his face. I held my wand in front of me.

"Severus, being an Auror, we are going to do this how our superior wants it done. And we are going to do it with little or no arguments.

I could see the vein in his neck jumping, but I jumped first.

"And, we are going to follow his instructions to the letter. So sit down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to make myself a drink and I would be glad to make you one. However, if you are not here when I return, I will personally hunt you down, tie you to a chair and subject you to the worst of what Muggledom has to offer. Now please, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

He continued to peer at me, but he did so seated on the couch.

"You? Hunt ME down? Nymphadora I know that you a given to flights of fancy but this is ridiculous…"

"Weak sauce, Severus. Now what are you drinking…"


	10. Ten

Chapter 10

"Severus, lets just be honest. If we are going to put on a show for these people, we HAVE to touch each other. What, am I covered in boils? Just hold my hand and smile, dammit.."

We had been at this for an hour. A solid freaking hour and we were hung up on the physical contact thing. At least HE was hung up on the physical contact thing. I was having much bigger problems, which of course Severus knew and that amused him to no end.

"Nymphadora, I have no problem what so ever holding your hand. I will have a much larger problem having my feet flattened on the dance floor. Do you honestly think that you are going to be able to pull off the moves that we have seen in THOSE shoes? Between the shoes and your ever expanding posterior (what a git!) I'm amazed that you will be able to make it out the door. Plus the fact that I'm sure the costume that you will be wearing will leave VERY little to the imagination. So lets just have a look at the tally sheet, shall we? Shoes that would make Fitwick get a fear of heights, massive 'junk in the trunk' to quote that Ridiculous video that we had to watch and basically well placed patches that YOU are going to have to keep in place while gyrating on a packed dance floor. Never mind the fact that you are going to have to be consuming alcohol to keep up appearances. And you EXPECT me to 'hold your hand'? Let me let you in on a little secret. We are going to have to do much more than hold hands for these cameras. From our little crash course in muggle celebrity, we are going to have to fawn all over each other…."

I was getting angrier by the second, which was not improving my balance.

"OK, so you have established that I am going to be mostly naked, drunk and unable to walk more than 10 ft without falling on my large ass. Unless you are not interested in women, I can't see where this situation would be bad for you in any way. You get to see a former student, an AUROR no less, act like a buffoon. You can't lose! This is just what you enjoy, right? Too see people in uncomfortable situations so you can tear them down? Well, my man, today is your lucky day! Keep on with the sarcasm, jokes and general mean comments, I'm truly not interested. I just want us to GET THIS RIGHT..."

I supposed he didn't get the hint that I was unhappy with his attitude.

"Oh, don't you worry about me, Nymphadora. I believe that I HAVE my moves down…"

I was looking for a blunt object to hurl when Albus joined us holding our outfits.

"Well, I'm glad to see that you two have been making progress…"

I'm pretty sure that we both rolled our eyes

"…So here are your outfits and we need to get Severus made up for his 'big entrance' (for some reason, Albus thought this was extremely funny and chuckled throughout). If I may see you for a moment outside, Nymphadora."

I followed Albus outside while Snape started to remove his jacket for his primping. I was just about to ask Albus who on earth would be brave enough to attempt to "assist" Snape in his personal hygiene, but then I noticed several house elves (imported from Hogwarts, specifically for the job) beginning to circle him with various towels and hair shears. I had to giggle at the sight. If Hermione saw the "torture" that these poor house elves had to endure by cleaning up the old snot, I'm sure that she would begin a campaign that would bring most of Hogwarts to its knees (with laughter that is). I know the girl means well, and if the elves were unhappy, I would completely agree. Fact is, they ENJOY their jobs. Sometimes, I wish I enjoyed my job on a daily basis half as much as they did.

Getting back to the hallway.

"Now Tonks" Albus began "You both have come quite a long way in a very short time with your study of muggle celebrity (how on earth did he know what we had been doing? The door was shut.). Here is your...ahem…costume. I don't know how muggles can go out in public in some of these outfits, but I know that you will make the best of it. I have added several charms to the top and the skirt (or large belt, take your pick). The sequins are small portkeys in case of an anti-appiration charm. I've hidden some dung bombs (ala Fred and George probably) with a smoke charm added to them. This should clear any area without have to resort to more extroverted forms of magic. I'm not expecting much of a problem tonight, but fore warned AND fore armed seems the best way to go in these times."

I was starting to feel better, then Albus's demeanor changed.

"I'm afraid that your biggest problem is going to be Severus. We need him lose and enjoying himself, and I'm afraid without a little shove in the right direction, he'll scowl and stick out like a sore thumb. Once you have arrived at the club and have settled yourselves into your areas (Areas? Were we getting VIP service? O Merlin, I hope so), I want you to buy him a drink. I think a rum and coke with lots of lime is his favorite (humph, leave it to him to pick my favorite muggle drink too). Once you have secured the drinks, I want you to add the contents of this vial to his drink. Make sure you add the lime before hand, or he will be able to sense the presence of the potion…."

Woah. Woah. WOAH!

"Albus, I'm surprised, shocked and appalled!" I scolded "Its my job to keep wizards FROM being drugged against their will, and you want me to drug Snape? How can I? It goes against everything I've been taught as an auror! I won't do it! I CAN'T do it!"

Albus sighed

" Tonks, if Severus sticks out then he WILL be found out and killed, I'm almost sure of it. You have a great advantage in this situation. Severus has to not only look like Mr. Brody, but he has to try to act like him as well. No, perhaps that isn't right. All Severus has to do is to NOT act like himself. If he can do that, then this whole thing will be a smashing success. I don't think there will be any trouble tonight, but I believe that there will be spies in the crowd. Please, Tonks, we must be certain on this. I don't want to take any chances"

Dammit, the old wizard was right.

" Alright, Albus, I'll do it, but I'm doing this under protest. If I can see ANY adverse side affects from the potion, I'm taking him straight back here and YOU are going to oversee his recovery personally. I won't have time to baby-sit a cranky potions professor that thinks he is a pink fluffy bunny."

Albus laughed

"Nymphadora, don't worry. The potion is really not that strong, it will just give him a nudge in the right direction. It works in combination with the alcohol and will produce an effect that causes a subdued euphoria without the more inconvenient side effects of drunkenness. As I said, I'm not really worried about any real confrontation tonight. I just want you to keep your eyes and your ears open. If anyone approaches you and engages you in any "strange" conversations, try to get yourself out of the situation as quickly as possible. Severus will be there to help you. I want you two to be careful, but I also want you to have a good time. I especially want Severus to have some fun. I'm afraid for him. A person can't be stressed out all the time; it's not good for the body. Now if you will excuse me, I need to give Severus his instructions. Why don't you go ahead and get changed. He'll be ready soon."

With that Albus went back into the room, where I glimpsed several house elves leaning over a reclining Snape.

"O well, Nymphie" I said to myself " this is going to be an interesting night, regardless. Time to put on your 'clothes'."


	11. Eleven

Don't think I've totally lost it, but I did get the new Jennifer Lopez album (not like I paid for it. Working for a radio station can have its advantages). I hate to say it, but its good solid pop, and there is a song that fits this fic PERFECTLY! I'm going to try to incorporate the lyrics as I go along.

I know, I was really shocked too

Chapter 11

You can find me in the club, indeed.

While my outfit may look great on the dance floor, it really wasn't the best at sitting in the back of a limo.

Truthfully, it wasn't that bad. The skirt was short, but it was blue jean with bleach spots all over it and the hemline looked as though someone took a rusty pair of scissors to it. I really liked them. The top, while something I wouldn't have picked on my own, was pretty nice too. The tie-behind-the-neck-sequined tank covered my front very well (it didn't expose my gut, which I liked) and it left my back mostly bare (I liked that as well). When this was all over, I would have to go out as myself wearing one or both of these pieces.

No, the clothes were basically ok; it was the shoes that were the problem.

Six-inch heels. SIX FREAKING INCHES! Granted, they were Manolo Blahnik's. The sales lady had just raved about them and said that these were the latest from the "MB" line (as if I was to know EXACTLY what she was talking about. Of course, Jennifer would know, but I just smiled and nodded. I was expecting some sort of cookware, when she shows up with these monsters).

As "sexy" as I may have looked, however, I was outshined.

Oh boy, was I outshined.

Its strange, I never thought that I would fall for the whole "make-over-the-guy-and-start-swooning" thing. It's so cliché. Besides, no one can really change THAT much.

But….wow….

Let me try to explain using a pretty simple example. When I was little, we lived in a suburb of London that was a pretty even mix of muggle and wizard. Our neighbor was an older couple by the name of Hector and Roberta Sanchez. They had lived most of their lives in Spain and had moved to London to be closer to their many grandchildren, who invaded their tiny home on the weekends. They were nice enough people asked no questions about the sometimes "strange" goings on at my parent's house. All in all, good neighbors. The most interesting thing about our neighbors was their ability to coax magic out of the earth. Hector was a horticulturist expert who could give Sprout a run for her money. All times of the year, I would watch him work in his garden. My mother, who usually had no interest in the ways of muggles, was fascinated by Hectors abilities. She would constantly ask question and try to duplicate the wonders of the Sanchez garden in our own (she has gotten pretty good at it, by the way). Getting back to the point, Mr. Sanchez would bring in seedlings that I couldn't believe would grow into anything. Droopy, yellowish and not healthy looking, Mr. Sanchez would always tell me that I shouldn't "judge a book by its cover". "These will be the most beautiful flowers, Nymphadora, they just need a little bit of attention. If I were to leave them like this, they would remain as they are. Flowers are like people. Sometimes they need a little help to achieve their full potential. A little pruning, fertilizer and water and you just watch. In a few weeks these will be the most beautiful flowers in my garden."

Mr. Sanchez would have been proud of the house elves.

I entered the room expecting to see elf parts dripping from the walls. Instead, I saw Albus talking to a large Chinese screen.

" Well, Severus? What do you think?"

I heard a small sigh

"Albus, I must say, this could be much worse. At LEAST you got the colors right"

Then a figure swooshed out from behind the screen and I lost my balance and landed right on my rear.

Taking the sight in from the bottom, this is what I saw. Black on black trainers with very dark and very distressed jeans. A black belt encircled a trim waist and was slightly covered by a close fitting (but not too close fitting) green tee shirt. A black blazer covered the shirt and was finished by a dark green pocket square. A very nice ensemble, but that was not the most shocking. The most shocking (in a good way) feature the crème de la crème that top off this fashion statement.

I saw a man. A man of clear complexion who looked rested and calm. The wrinkles had been smoothed; the sallow color had been replaced with an average skin tone. The dark circles that had threatened to swallow his dark eyes were no longer the most prominent feature. The dark eyes shone out like polished obsidian. The hair that had once looked like it had been used to mop a garage floor, was clean and cut into a non-obtrusive style that complimented the thin features of the face. A very stylish and modern look, but not too stylish, giving the subject a devil-may-care-party-guy vibe.

The eyebrows raised and the lips smiled (the ability to sneer properly had been washed and sanded away, but Severus didn't know that).

"Well, not EXACTLY the reaction I was going for, Ms. Tonks. I can see from you shocked expression that you either approve greatly or are too horrified to speak. If you don't mind, could you please remove yourself from the floor so I can see what I'm going to be battling against on the dance floor."

He offered me a hand, again with the same smile.

"Sev, the sneer is gone. So are the yellow teeth and the dark circles. You are going to have to try much harder too look mean and menacing. That smile looks less satanic and more sexy…"

I wasn't actually looking at him during this little speech. The dust a Grimmald place has more hold than your average inter-stellar face sucker. I was trying to extract a well-placed strip that had lodged itself on the hem of the skirt, plus I was expecting a diatribe of insults after using the word sexy.

I heard nothing.

Looking up, I saw a very relaxed potions master enjoy the view that my stance was affording him.

"Why thank you, Ms. Tonks. You look quite fetching yourself."

I shot a glance at Albus, who chuckled

"You two can fawn over your new looks in the limo. Severus. Tonks. Remember your instructions and the special additions I have given to both of you (what?). Keep your eyes and ears open, but do have a good time. Be safe, above all, and I do mean safe in ALL things (Albus got two pairs of very confused eyebrows raised at that one). Goodbye and good luck."

I looked up at my escort.

"Well, Severus. Offer me your arm. I'm pretending to be a proper lady so you pretend to be a gentleman and give me an escort to the car."

Snape lowered his head and whispered in my ear.

"My dear, you may not wish me to be such a gentleman at the end of the evening."

Yikes. Did Albus give him Spanish fly while I wasn't looking?

We were in a large SUV speeding to one of the swankiest clubs in London, China White. This was a members only club, but we had been presented with cards and ID's to match our new selves.

In every battle, its good to have a good entrance and exit strategy.

"Severus, there will no doubt be reports and photogs stalking the entrance. According to our instructions, we are engaged at in a "clandestine affair". We don't stop for pictures or to answer questions. Briskly move into the club and head straight for the VIP section…"

A small chuckle was heard from the dark shadows of the truck.

"Nymphadora, it would probably be best if we call each other by our "stage names" so we don't make any mistakes in front of the public. By the way "Jenny" (ugg) the entire club will be full of the upper class of London. Its safe to assume they will be armed with the camera's and phones that take pictures. We were told to put on a show…"

He moved from out of the shadows and settled beside me. Wrapping an arm around my bare shoulder, he whispered.

"…Don't you think we should practice so we don't look like bumbling teenagers?"

I was certainly hoping he ignored the goosebumps and the squeak in my voice.

"Have you sunglasses ready, BRODY. We are almost there."

I thought I heard him whisper something about a "close-up" and "Mister Deville", but I couldn't be sure.


	12. Twelve

Did any other Tonks/Snape shippers get the "Clandestine Affair" nod?

I'm so clever slaps forehead

Anyways, on with the show

Chapter 12

The SUV stopped in front of a darkly lit doorway. On either side of a narrow red carpet, a few lanky and hungry looking photographers paced, puffing smoke as they walked. When they saw the SUV, however, they leapt to attention, removing lens covers and perching themselves for the best shot.

That got a definite eyeball from me.

"Look at them. Vultures, I tell you" I scolded

"Brody" nodded

"Yes, they are like jackals, ready to make off with the fresh kill. 'Jenny', can we get something straight before we enter the club?"

I looked at him and for a moment, a pure Tonks expression shone through. Sev tisked at me.

"You are going to have to watch that, 'Jen'. I don't think its in Mrs. Lopez emotional vocabulary to make a face like that. Getting back to the subject, I know I have been quite forward with you this evening. I know this is out of character for me and if you are offended by anything I have said, I apologize. To be perfectly honest, I'm terribly nervous. I'm sure you are aware of my non-adventures with the opposite sex during my Hogwarts years. After Hogwarts, I had no dating life outside of what I was forced to do in the service of the Dark Lord. Ever since Albus told me about this little "job", I've been tied up in knots. Part of me wanted to run screaming from this, but a part of me was a little excited. I've always been envious of those that live in the spotlight. Plus, and don't let this go to your head, Nymphadora, but I was excited about getting to spend time with you. There are not many in the Order that have your talent for concealment and disguise. Plus you seem to get so much enjoyment out of your lot in life. I'm envious, Tonks. I'm envious and I want to learn. As Albus is constantly telling me, I won't be employed at Hogwarts forever. Basically what I'm getting at is this. I'm not easiest person to get along with, but you seem to always have a witty comeback and don't usually resort to violence, although I have seen your face at times and I apologize for making you want to throttle me. I need your help, Tonks. I need your help to become the man that I never quite evolved into. I know this seems strange that I'm throwing all this information at you right now, but…"

_What? Huh? How? Wait!_

"Severus, I really want to hear the end of what you have to say, but can we finish this when the paparazzi isn't plastered to the window. I don't want them to overhear us talking out of character."

I put my hand on his knee, moved towards him and grabbed his chin with my other hand.

"I do want to hear the end of what you have to say, Severus, I'm very serious about that" I whispered.

Then I did something very odd.

I kissed him.

Not a full on music-swelling-hot-and-heavy-clay-throwing-stars-aligning kiss, just a slight peck on the lips with a little bit of a linger.

His eyes, just moments ago flitting around and full of self-torment, were calm and focused on mine.

"Alright, alright. To be continued." He whispered.

Then he gave me a very rougish smile

"You ready to knock 'em dead, Jen?"

"You bet, Adrian baby"

I gave him another peck on the nose (he really started blushing then) and pushed open the door.

The noise hit us like a wall of sound.

"JENNIFER! JENNIFER! JUST A QUICK PICTURE!"

"JENNIFER! WHERE IS MARC?"

"ADRIAN! ANDRIAN! HAVE A LOOK THIS WAY!"

"JENNIFER ANTHONY LOPEZ AND ADRIAN BRODY! WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON THE RECENT THREATS SURROUNDING YOUR STATUS AS "MUGGLE" CELEBRITIES"

_Ugh, the Fly woman has returned_

I felt Severus stiffen under my arm as he heard the familiar grating voice. I started thinking and trying to send him a quick message, using my lack-luster Legimens skills

_Don't stop, just smile and keep moving. Get into the club as quickly as possible_

I think he got the message. We paused for a few photos then moved into the club very fast. Bouncers at the door checked our cards and we were escorted into the foyer.

Wow.

I tried to look like this was old hat for me, but I couldn't help but gawk. The décor and lighting of the club was fabulous. The dance floor was full of the beautiful people (which for the moment, I was and I had to act like it) dancing as if their lives depended on it, making what I had on look like a full set of Quidditch robes.

Apparently, I was blocking the door as the tip-top of the London social scene tried to get in.

Then, we were ambushed

"MRS. LOPEZ! MR. BRODEY! LET ME BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU TO CHINA WHITE, THE PREMIERE IN LONDON AFTER HOURS ENTERTAINMENT! MY NAME IS BARNABY AND I'LL BE YOUR PERSONAL MATRI-DE THIS EVENING. PLEASE, IF THERE IS **ANYTHING (**and I really think he meant anything) I CAN GET FOR YOU THIS EVENING, JUST LET ME KNOW. NOW I WILL LEAD YOU TO THE VIP AREA. I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THERE THAT YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEM, PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO? EH?

_Was this guy some sort of gay pimp-butler?_

This was getting a bit too much.

"Thank you, but we'll find it on our own. Just up the stairs, is it? Thank you darling. Come Adrian."

I grabbed Snape's hand and attempted to head upstairs without falling.

I failed.

At about the seventh step up when the heels from Mt. Everest decided to strike. I knew I was falling backwards and I knew that this would hurt. I didn't know if anyone could see up my skirt, but I was guessing that they could.

I expected a swift and hard handshake from the beautiful marble floor, when strong arms grabbed me about the waist and half flipped me into an upright position. I looked up and Severus was flashing that smile that was quickly starting to give me funny feelings in my stomach. The lobby staff clapped as well as the patrons entering the bar.

Taking me firmly by the elbow, we walked up the stairs together, to what I hopped would be a less clumsy evening.


	13. Thirteen

Chapter 13

After the psuedo-somersalt that nearly exposed my less-than-Lopez underdrawers, Snape had deftly taken my arm and led me up the stairs to the "VIP" section. According to what I knew about the club, ChinaWhite was a private club that only the super A-list could get into. What I saw when arrive at the private bar was a bit disconcerting. Old businessmen indulging what I hoped were at least 16 year olds (although I wasn't really going hold my breath) in the most expensive champagne that I had ever heard of. We moved past these rather disgusting individuals to stairs that lead downward, which I thought was strange because we had just come up, but Snape, the ever present vice on my arm gave me a look that implied "Don't say a word, just keep walking". I was surprised that Snape didn't pull his wand on my with that look, and that fact made me very nervous.

We headed down several levels, of course moving quite slowly since I was still getting my "heel legs". During the ride over, Snape had been shooting me looks that would make most women run in terror, because they seemed to be rather lusty gazes. Now, after the jaunt up the steps into the first bar, Snape's jaw had tightened into its more familiar scowl and his eyes had lost that little bit of sparkle that I had thought I saw in the car. He was sinking into his own "Snapeiness" and helping me down the stairs had become more of a drag-Tonks-around contest. Not good.

At the landing of the decent into decadence, the maitre-de motioned us to a dimly lit dance floor where music pulsed and the primped and pampered gyrated as the spotlights flashed above them. I was in desperate need of a table, and started to lead the way to an empty booth (which looked a lot like a bed) in a rather dark corner away from the booming speakers. I did have to say, I liked the dark red background and the whole "oriental" thing, and the bed/booth was quite comfortable as I settled in. As soon as our rears had touched the silk of the bed, a waiter appeared to take our drink orders. I was about the order when I looked over at Snape. He was barely sitting on the edge of the bed with his arms folded and the clenched jaw that could probably bend tempered steel.

_Crap, he's going to make walk again. _

Standing gingerly but trying to make it look natural, I told the waiter to give me a moment and I walked over to Snape.

"What's the deal, 'Adrian'?"

He turned to look at me and his eyes flashed with anger.

"That scene as we were entering. The decadence of those wretched old men and those poor girls. It's disgusting. I have a mind to go up there and let them all have it….

_There goes the cool and collected Snape. Time for drastic measures.._

"I don't think that there was anyone in that party that was there against their will. Yes those girls could have been students at Hogwarts, but they knew what they were doing. Honestly, with the crowds that you have hung out with in the past, I wouldn't have thought that would have shocked you…"

He shot me a look.

"Yes, and that is how many young witches and wizards were seduced to the dark side."

I giggled and he smirked..

"Did I just quote what I think I quoted?"

I outright laughed

"If anyone says that you are a snob about muggleness, I'm going to stand up and say you are a HUGE Star Wars fan."

That loosened him up a bit and he smiled.

"Now, what would you like to drink.."

He ordered mimicked mine to the tee and I also requested that we see some menus. The waiter hurried off to fill our drinks. I sank back down into the almost too comfortable bed/booth/table that was our private hideout in this world of strobe lights, deep reds and…. Wait…. does that girl have her top off?

I was staring with my mouth open when I heard a deep chuckle as Snape moved closer to me on the bed.

"Who are you gaping at, 'Jennifer'? Do you mean to tell me that with all your experience that you are new to this whole thing?"

I shrugged

"I've been to clubs, sure, and I've had a good time. I'm just not familiar with all this nonsense, and further more…"

The waiter returned with our drinks and menu's. We both reached for our drinks and immediately grabbed the limes and squeezed them within an inch of their lives. Of course, I squeezed mine just a bit too hard.

"OUCH! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

I looked over and saw Snape clawing at his eye. Crap, I sprayed him with limejuice. I thought that this was only behavior for a grapefruit.

"Errr…Sorry?"

Snape huffed and grabbed a napkin.

"I'm heading for the bathroom, please obtain more limes and have the bartender put them in the drinks for us. You are obviously not to be trusted."

Thank goodness I turned away as he got up and headed to the loo, I was laughing so hard. As soon as he was out of earshot, I retrieved the vial that Albus gave me. I rolled the glass vial back and forth in my fingers. This was my opportunity but I wasn't sure if I should take it. He was so open and sultry and…well…fun in the car, but his old self came back like a shot and THAT was not going to hold our cover. I only had a few more minutes to decide. The waiter returned with some extra limes and my decision was made. I dumped the vial into his glass and squeezed more lime into his drink, stirred it quickly and sat back to tend to my own drink. I took a drink and sank back into the bed. Man, these weren't bad. Of course, they were SO not worth what we were paying, but Lopez and Brody wouldn't care, right?

I turned my attention to the menu and Snape returned, without even a squint to betray his citrus attack. The appetizer menu look fabulous, when the waiter informed me that "the management" was sending something special over for the "the two of us".

Ok.

By now word had spread through the club that two top celebrities were "canoodling" (how in the hell did that word come into existence anyways) in the back of the club. Through the darkness and from the dance floor I saw several people craning their necks to get a look and I think I saw a few small red flashes from what I could only assume were cameras. Par for the course, I suppose.

Snape sat down at the bed and grabbed his glass and started stirring up his drink. I clenched my fingers and watched as he sniffed his drink and was about to take a sip when his eyes turned to me and he lowered his drink.

_Oh shi…_

"May I ask what is so interesting about my taking the first sip, Jen?"

_Thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink_

"I just wanted to know what you think. If you don't like it all we have to do is snap our fingers and they'll fly to Cuba to get us whatever type of rum we want…"

He smirked

_Shew!_

"This will be fine, Jen, Thank you."

He downed the whole glass in one gulp.

_Was that stuff supposed to be sipped? I can't remember.._

Then he raised his hand to get another one.

_I have GOT to go to the bathroom and figure something out…_


End file.
